I think most of you know that I decided to tackle the VEDA challenge this month. It has done so much for me: pushed me out of my comfort zone, expanded my circle of friends, opened my eyes. If you don’t watch any of the other videos this month, I encourage you to watch the Day 17 Videos from all the participants.
Yesterday’s topic was Self Image/Body Image.
Have you ever tried to talk about this on camera before? Let me be one of the first to tell you that it’s not easy. (See for yourself.) After watching some of the most beautiful and inspiring videos, I realized that there was a lot that I didn’t say because I was scared to share it but that’s just plain silly. So, here it goes…
… my grandmother struggled with obesity for the last 15 years of her life. She couldn’t walk. She had four quadruple bypass surgeries. I watched my grandmother suffer and my family struggle with how to help. I know that there are genetic tendencies when it comes to obesity and heart disease; I don’t want that for myself, I don’t want my family to have to watch and go through that. Sometimes, I’m a little manic about my health, the food I put into my body, the way that I look. It all stems from fear.
… in high school I never, ever thought about what I looked like in a bathing suit, my favorite pair of jeans, in my prom dress. I didnt’t care. I rarely worked out. Then college happened and it was like a whirlwind of perceptions, suggestions, questioning my beliefs. Rather than gain the freshman 15, I lost 15. It wasn’t healthy-looking at all. Ever since then I’ve gone back and forth between a healthful lifestyle a borderline not so healthful one. Body dysmorphic disorder? Yeah, I’ve got that. (I imagine a lot of people do.)
… I mentioned in my video that after my first true love ended (we were together for two years) I had a hard time believing that I was beautiful or could be beautiful. He wasn’t the only one to tell me I was beautiful on a regular basis but then cheat on me with someone else: someone skinnier, someone (who I perceived) to be prettier. It’s happened to me a handful of other times. Every single time I questioned the truth. As a result, I stink at accepting compliments, and sometimes at finding things to enjoy and love about myself. At trusting and believing what men say to me. Amazing how self-image and body-image can affect multiple areas of one’s life.
… I beat myself up over my weight. Often. It’s hard to remind yourself that it’s just a number.
… I know that I don’t have to be 100% healthy 100% of the time. That’s (literally thanks to the plethora of allergies that plague me) not feasible for me, but I can do my best as often as I can and I can learn to be okay with that. I can also choose to give myself a break now and then because life is supposed to be fun. It’s not supposed to be about comparing yourself to this girl or that girl, keeping up with the “Joneses,” trying to squeeze into a size 4. It’s not supposed to be about wearing clothes so that someone compliments you; you should wear them because you like them, because you want to.
… I am learning that what I think is all that matters. I’m the one that has to live with me, who has to eat, sleep and breathe with me. (Jack does to but he loves me no matter what since I’m the keeper of the dog-food.) I don’t have to wear stunning outfits everyday, do my hair in the latest fashions. No one will judge me if I have roots and gray hairs, or if they do? F*&k them. I am here to live my life for me, not for them. I can do things to make myself feel confident and that’s what I should focus on. This train of thought has allowed me to wear sweats in public on a Saturday morning without make-up. It’s allowed me to embrace my inner hippie who would gladly spend her life listening to DMB and dancing under the stars each evening. I’m sure I’ll still care sometimes what others think, about how I look, about my health and my size. I’m working on it. After all, aren’t we always a work in progress?
Any feelings/thoughts/comments you’d like to make on body & self image?