I’ve been trying to write this post for a really long time and it has been incredibly tough to do so. This post is indicative of my experience the last several months; not sharing it has been incredibly difficult for me as I have felt like I was hiding a part of my life, though it wasn’t intentional. Due to the sensitive nature of this topic I have kept it quiet and even in this post, vague. I needed to get this out here; not for pity or praise, advice or admonishing, but because it’s a part of me and who I am now. Thank you, in advance for letting me share this.
There are good divorces and there are bad divorces.
You know the good kind, the ones that are portrayed on TV in shows like the New Adventures of Old Christine and Reba where the parents don’t really get along but kind of do in an odd sort of way, mostly for the kids? Those good divorces really do exist; I have friends with parents who are like that and I think that’s awesome, I really do.
But the bad kind? No one really talks about those as much or if they do, in my experience, you only hear about the “deadbeat dads,” who don’t pay child support or fail to show up when they are supposed to. I know those kinds exist too because a few of my childhood friends went through that kind of divorce. However, there’s another kind entirely that no one seems to talk about, one that Knight lived before I met him and the one we live on a daily basis. (Knight says that the post-divorce situation was even worse before I came on the scene as I thought perhaps I was the reason for her behavior.) According to our lawyer it’s typical of only five to ten percent of divorces in the country. It’s the one where even though the divorce is over it’s not really over. The ex-wife can’t/won’t let things go, even though she’s moved on, even though she’s having a baby with the new man in her life, even though she was the one who left, the ex-wife makes post-divorce life miserable. There is no such thing as co-parenting, not in a situation like this. It’s her way of parenting/getting things from you, whether it’s related to the children or not… or the highway. There is harassment, name calling, verbal abuse, yelling all of it bordering on stalking but yet there is nothing that can legally be done. There is a blatant disregard for the court order, even when it’s the simplest of things. There is always an excuse as to why X,Y and Z didn’t/shouldn’t/can’t happen. There is emotional stress and damage caused to everyone involved: the kids, me, Knight, probably even her boyfriend and herself, I’m sure.
We are afraid to parent, sometimes, because the kidlets are grilled about their time with us and then their words are twisted around and used against us in spiteful emails and messages that are anything but constructive. We are afraid to be ourselves as we don’t want to get the kidlets in trouble or put them in a worse position than they are already in.
Knight legally has the kids 50% of the time, which means an equal sharing in everything from finances to decision making to the time spent with them, yet we are constantly stripped of the opportunity to make important decisions about schooling, extra-curricular activities, social calendars and the like. Decisions that we would like to be involved in are made unilaterally and if one is politely challenged by Knight, it’s World War IV (or V and beyond). There is nothing that can legally done about the situation he/we/I are in. He’s tried talking to her about how her behavior and actions impact his ability to parent and the effect lasts for a week, and then it’s right back to where it started. We have tried lawyers, court; even a communication portal to improve things but none of it has worked. People say to just ignore her and the noise she makes, but there is a rule in our court order that says we must review all communication from her just in case there is something legitimate (so far there hasn’t been). I can’t tell you how frustrating it is to know that nine times out of ten the emails, texts, conversations that Knight has result in badgering, belittling, and making him/us feel so small. (The ex-wife may not follow the rules but if we don’t it’s the apocalypse.) Really takes a toll on a person and sometimes our relationship.
There are concerns over the children’s well-being when they aren’t with us. Health concerns. Educational concerns. Emotional concerns. We can see it on their faces when they come to our house; they volunteer up information that has us raise our eyebrows. We jot the concerns down, store them away for the lawyer and make the most of what the situation is because that’s all we can do. (People suggest confronting her. We’ve tried that. It doesn’t work.)
We play so nice it hurts. We show up when we are supposed to. We give/do/pay for what is required of us (and then some because with kids there is always a then some!). We take an active role in their lives from health to spiritual, educational to imagination and everywhere in between. We are good parents: we do what feels right for the girls, research what we aren’t sure of, and most of all we love and nurture them as much as we can. We keep our mouths shut all of the time because if we don’t we’d surely say something mean and that’d we regret. We live with this reality that Knight’s divorce, even though the marriage is over, the aftermath is not. We live in that five to ten percent statistic. We live this daily knowing that it can’t go on, that it has to get better and in order for that to happen? Some big changes will have to take place.
