I’ve been trying to write this post for a really long time and it has been incredibly tough to do so. This post is indicative of my experience the last several months; not sharing it has been incredibly difficult for me as I have felt like I was hiding a part of my life, though it wasn’t intentional. Due to the sensitive nature of this topic I have kept it quiet and even in this post, vague. I needed to get this out here; not for pity or praise, advice or admonishing, but because it’s a part of me and who I am now. Thank you, in advance for letting me share this.
There are good divorces and there are bad divorces.
You know the good kind, the ones that are portrayed on TV in shows like the New Adventures of Old Christine and Reba where the parents don’t really get along but kind of do in an odd sort of way, mostly for the kids? Those good divorces really do exist; I have friends with parents who are like that and I think that’s awesome, I really do.
But the bad kind? No one really talks about those as much or if they do, in my experience, you only hear about the “deadbeat dads,” who don’t pay child support or fail to show up when they are supposed to. I know those kinds exist too because a few of my childhood friends went through that kind of divorce. However, there’s another kind entirely that no one seems to talk about, one that Knight lived before I met him and the one we live on a daily basis. (Knight says that the post-divorce situation was even worse before I came on the scene as I thought perhaps I was the reason for her behavior.) According to our lawyer it’s typical of only five to ten percent of divorces in the country. It’s the one where even though the divorce is over it’s not really over. The ex-wife can’t/won’t let things go, even though she’s moved on, even though she’s having a baby with the new man in her life, even though she was the one who left, the ex-wife makes post-divorce life miserable. There is no such thing as co-parenting, not in a situation like this. It’s her way of parenting/getting things from you, whether it’s related to the children or not… or the highway. There is harassment, name calling, verbal abuse, yelling all of it bordering on stalking but yet there is nothing that can legally be done. There is a blatant disregard for the court order, even when it’s the simplest of things. There is always an excuse as to why X,Y and Z didn’t/shouldn’t/can’t happen. There is emotional stress and damage caused to everyone involved: the kids, me, Knight, probably even her boyfriend and herself, I’m sure.
We are afraid to parent, sometimes, because the kidlets are grilled about their time with us and then their words are twisted around and used against us in spiteful emails and messages that are anything but constructive. We are afraid to be ourselves as we don’t want to get the kidlets in trouble or put them in a worse position than they are already in.
Knight legally has the kids 50% of the time, which means an equal sharing in everything from finances to decision making to the time spent with them, yet we are constantly stripped of the opportunity to make important decisions about schooling, extra-curricular activities, social calendars and the like. Decisions that we would like to be involved in are made unilaterally and if one is politely challenged by Knight, it’s World War IV (or V and beyond). There is nothing that can legally done about the situation he/we/I are in. He’s tried talking to her about how her behavior and actions impact his ability to parent and the effect lasts for a week, and then it’s right back to where it started. We have tried lawyers, court; even a communication portal to improve things but none of it has worked. People say to just ignore her and the noise she makes, but there is a rule in our court order that says we must review all communication from her just in case there is something legitimate (so far there hasn’t been). I can’t tell you how frustrating it is to know that nine times out of ten the emails, texts, conversations that Knight has result in badgering, belittling, and making him/us feel so small. (The ex-wife may not follow the rules but if we don’t it’s the apocalypse.) Really takes a toll on a person and sometimes our relationship.
There are concerns over the children’s well-being when they aren’t with us. Health concerns. Educational concerns. Emotional concerns. We can see it on their faces when they come to our house; they volunteer up information that has us raise our eyebrows. We jot the concerns down, store them away for the lawyer and make the most of what the situation is because that’s all we can do. (People suggest confronting her. We’ve tried that. It doesn’t work.)
We play so nice it hurts. We show up when we are supposed to. We give/do/pay for what is required of us (and then some because with kids there is always a then some!). We take an active role in their lives from health to spiritual, educational to imagination and everywhere in between. We are good parents: we do what feels right for the girls, research what we aren’t sure of, and most of all we love and nurture them as much as we can. We keep our mouths shut all of the time because if we don’t we’d surely say something mean and that’d we regret. We live with this reality that Knight’s divorce, even though the marriage is over, the aftermath is not. We live in that five to ten percent statistic. We live this daily knowing that it can’t go on, that it has to get better and in order for that to happen? Some big changes will have to take place.
I am proud of you for writing about this. I think it’s a really tough situation and unfortunately I do not have any words of advice, but I am always here to listen. It makes me realize how blessed I am that my parents are still happily married. It’s too bad you guys have to be part of that 5-10% group and that this woman has the ability to impact your happiness and well-being – and most importantly, that of the girls. I hope you can find your way through this mess and come out on the other side of the rainbow. I figure that eventually she has got to tire of being such a venomous person!!
Sending hugs! xoxo
I think you did a wonderful job writing this – you completely expressed feelings that are frustrating and I know you have, but you were still respectful by not revealing specific details. This just shows what great people you and Knight are, and while it may not seem like it, those girls are seeing the amazing example you two are providing and that’s leaving an impression on them too. Hang in there friend – hope things start to look up soon.
Ugh, this sounds terrible. I hope you guys can find a solution. Parenting is hard enough with out having any additional issues.
What a terrible situation to be in, and I can only imagine the toll it is taking on those girls. Kids are so perceptive and they see and hear everything. I’m sure they’re aware of the situation! I can’t believe that the ex-wife is pregnant and moved on with someone else but still appears to be somehow bitter. It makes no sense! What is she upset about? She sounds like a really terrible person. I’m so glad Knight and the girls have you now. It’s probably the only 50% of sanity they get!
Hi Nora, I’m so glad you wrote this. I understand very much what you’re going through, and sometimes I don’t know how to respond/act/think. It’s all very overwhelming. Our situations are similar, yet still different, but it is just so tough to have the best interest of a child in your heart, and the other person just wants control. I like to read when you write about this kind of stuff, because like you, I know all the other types of situations (through friends) like the amicable divorce or deadbeat dads, etc. This whole world for me right now is not a familiar one. I hope things over time get easier for you. I hope for the kids sake and for both yours and Knight’s.
This is beautiful and brave, and I admire you for writing it. No matter if it’s good, bad, or in between, divorce sucks. The things that get stuck in that gray area can be so frustrating, especially when the people getting divorced forget that their words and actions affect everyone in their lives. As hard as it may be for you and Knight, it seems like you’re still taking the high road, and you have to be proud of yourself for that. All you can do is keep your head up and love those girls. Hoping things get better soon!
First of all, I’m very proud of you for putting this out there! I know it must have been hard for you, and I truly hope things get better!
Secondly, I am a child of that 5-10%. My parents split when I was 7, and 20 years later, I’m still dealing with it on a daily basis, especially now, while planning a wedding. (We have argued more than once about how my mom doesn’t want my dad to sit in the first or second pew, and that he should be 20 rows back, behind her entire family.)
My dad is the kind of dad I assume Knight to be. He has always been there when I needed him, and he plays a very important role in my life. My mother is an amazing woman, but she doesn’t let things go, and this is one of those things that she will keep with her til the day she dies, even though she is married to the most wonderful man I could ever have the privilege of calling my step-father.
For your sake, and even more-so for the girls sake, I hope Knight’s ex finds some way to move on.
Sigh. It really is just so, so hard.
Becky is right – this just reflects well on the kind of people and parents you and the Knight are. You attempt understanding and peace, even in the face of hostility.
I will say this: going through this with him so soon in your relationship will only strengthen your relationship. When people go through some tough sh*t together and still stay together, you know they’re in it for the right reasons. We all have baggage, some just carry bigger bags.
You are amazing, Nora. <3
This makes my stomach hurt for those poor little girls, and for you and Knight. Ugh. I’m so sorry. It sounds like you’re doing all the right things. I’m sorry it’s not working.
Oh honey. *hugs* I hope things get better, soon.
I know this couldn’t have been easy for you to write. I wish there were words to help make it easier. I’m sorry you, Knight and the girls have to deal with this. I’ll keep all of you in my prayers.
I can’t imagine how difficult this was to write, but you did it so eloquently. This is such a tough situation, for sure. I was in that 5-10% myself, but in a different way. My dad (and my paternal grandma, who ended up living with him after the divorce. I later found out how much she hated my mom.) was the one who would constantly try to say bad things about my mom and just totally destroy her. My mom, beautiful soul that she is, never had a bad word to say about my dad (not to our face, at least, until we were older and learned how my father really was) and always encouraged us to see him. I know it had to kill her to send her babies to his house, but she did it because she had to and always, ALWAYS, wanted us to have a good relationship with our father.
What you guys are going through is hard and tough and something no new relationship should have to handle. All you can do is keep doing YOUR part, not giving her any more ammunition. But you’re right, you cannot keep on this path you’re on. Something has to give. I hope you two can find out what you need that is best for the girls and your relationship.
Hugs. <3
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*HUGS* I know this situation. I’ve lived it and a family member of mine has lived it. It’s hard for me to imagine 5-10%, it feels like more to me. I am so sorry you have to go through this. It is good to read that you are writing things done. Even when it seems fruitless you never know when there will finally be something to help you change the situation legally. My uncle was in a similar situation and it seemed impossible to change visitation but after keeping detailed notes about everything the court finally gave him full custody. He still deals with his ex but at least he is able to shelter his son a bit more.
I hope that the situation changes for you. I pray that it will. Only time will tell but you and Knight are so fantastic that the girls are seeing that, recognizing it and one day they may decide for themselves who they want to spend their time with.
I am keeping you in my prayers, Nora. I’m always here to talk and most importantly, listen.
Such a wonderful and honest post. I’m so glad you’ve shared this. I just briefly read through the comments and it sounds like a few people can relate.
I know you and Knight are doing the best you can and that’s all you can do right now. Try to find some peace by reminding yourself it will all work out in the end when you go through the hard times – though I know that is easier said than done.
Love you! XO
*hugs* my coworker dealt with similar issues with her husband’s ex. things definitely were a mess, but seem to be improving lately. it’s taken years though
hoping your situation gets better (and soon)… or at least not worse
“How blessed are those who are merciful, because it is they who will receive mercy!”
~~~ Matthew 5:7
A custodial father was once unheard of in our state. I became one of the first.
It was an epic designed to last the next 17 years, despite remarriage of mom, to her high school sweetheart, interfering in our marriage a final time.
Our children were age 2 and 11 at the filing, and 2 months later, in full custody of me.
I learned about controllers.
I learned about sociopaths.
I learned about a corrupt court system, despite me having the custody.
I learned 17 years of IRS audits, for claiming children in my care. I must prove it over and over, rather than an accuser supplying proof of accusation.
There was a house I owned that I never knew about….purchased with the education funds for the girl’s college future. For a few years prior to divorce, the girls got to watch sexual intercourse in that house of horror.
My older daughter cowered in fear, as our home was broken into repeatedly, and items stolen. I had new steel doors put on all entries, and new locks. I advised the installer of my daughter’s growing anxiety, and he thankfully, told her that “NO ONE could ever get through these doors, and it would be easier to cut a hole through the walls to get in.” She slept in relief….for one night. The stealing continued.
Fear grew. My home was projected as unsafe.
One day, my daughter told me “I know who is stealing Dad”.
“Who….and how do you know?”
“It’s mom, Dad. She takes from here and puts everything in storage. She has a garage door opener in her car, and uses it to come in when we are not here”.
We never met at exchange time; too volatile for the girls, and I often used a third party to drop off, they would call mom, and she picked up after I was long gone.
But at the time of stealing fear, exchange was at my home, and I walked out, pointed in her car visor and said “Give me the remote you no longer need”. She complied.
No more theft. All of this is a minor blip on the 17 years of sociopathic living.
Some people can not love. They are narcissist who love themselves most.
Each divorce is unique, but I have a hunch that 5-10% group has many a narcissist within.
The courts wanted mom to have access to the baby one night during the week.
Nightmare central occurred.
I learned to spread the time more. Instead of Tuesday destruction, the girls went on Thursday after school/daycare and stayed until Sunday eve. The courts later removed all Sunday’s for mom, and had the children come home Saturday afternoon….from Friday night, not Thursday.
I received Mother’s Day and Father’s Day cards from my girls.
Many ask me to write a book on those years, but like Matthew 5:7 above, I find mercy more a way to live, than remembering all the horror my children lived through.
One graduated college, has a marvelous man (a child of divorce himself) and they raise my grandchildren wisely. They do not know what to do, but they definitely know what NOT to do.
The other is starting college this summer, and has a wonderful job now.
DO keep those records. Over time, they tell a story of truth that can not be denied.
The courts do not act “in the best interest of the child”, but DO tire of return visits ad nauseam. Write a new visitation order that would eliminate drama and trauma, and fill in the blanks saying WHY. One year will do.
And now the hard part.
The children do NOT belong to anybody. They are children of God.
You fail as a parent if they do not fly away one day, and on their own.
Mine, have successfully done this.
But a peculiar thing is happening. They are trying to get their mom to love them and do not know how. They blame themselves (as I did me, decades before). I remain silent as they will find out a narcissist can NOT love others, or show mercy. I have a hunch of what happened to her as a little girl, unspeakable, but running damages through the next three generations so far.
Mom is still young. I was told of her operation, in a far away city, for a bad degree of cancer obtained by too many partners. Since both girls are in the medical profession, I need not explain why what is going on, is going on. They know.
They are STILL trying to get their mom, to express any, any form of love of them, and still, unaware that she can not. I silently watch from a view NOT expressed in Replies here so far.
Though my comment is long, the trial of life was too.
I wrote a visitation schedule, designed to remove the bumps my girls faced.
It took two years of documentation, in detail, to support what I viewed necessary.
The court accepted my visitation schedule in full, not modifying a single sentence.
One example in toxic messes here, holidays like Christmas, Easter.
Do not ruin each by contact. Alternate them by year; Mom has Easter, Dad has Christmas; 5 days each. It allows traditions to be established if either party wishes, and a calmness from no exchange drama.
Even then, my daughters would text and say “make a turkey Dad. Mom made pizza again”. Giving Thanks was never a specialty there.
You will destroy yourself without mercy.
From reading above, I will tell you it is tougher being INSIDE the tornado, spinning so fast you can’t think, and watching destruction all around that you can’t control, than to be in the aftermath all around. It gets better over time. Always.
I will pray for your family and children especially, as I do often for my own.
A big sigh and an even bigger <<<>>> for you. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, especially during a year that’s supposed to be full of roses, rainbows and unicorns.
I don’t have a lot of sage words for you. Part of me hopes that things will change or at least become less heated when she has her baby, because a bunch of her energy will be devoted to the new addition to her family.
But, today, you can focus on those things you can control make them the very best they can be and try not to sweat (too much) the things you can’t control. Tomorrow, you can work with the attorneys to continue to manage the situation and work towards a solution where everyone feels more at peace. And someday, things will get better. They must.
Thank you so much for writing about this. I can imagine how hard it must have been for you. I have no advice to offer but I am here if you need anything. I will be praying for you, Knight and the girls <3
I am proud of you. And also really grateful to be one of the people you can talk to about all this jazz as it’s happening. Soul mates 4 lyfe.
oh friend i had a feeling it was getting worse and i’m so sorry to hear that i was worse. you and knight are awesome parents and i hope you two keep trying to do your best and hopefully some major changes do happen soon, for your sake, his sake and especially the girls. keeping you in my thoughts and sending as many non-crazy vibes as i can conjure up
Wow, I don’t know what to say. I’m really glad you wrote that, and I’m really sorry about all you have been dealing with. You and Knight are clearly such wonderful parents to the girls- I can only hope that you will all get what you deserve and the ex-wife will be too busy with the new baby to bother you guys…? Yeah, probably not. It is surprising though that this clearly is not out of jealousy and is just out of her being crazy? Was she like this when her and Knight were together?!
It’s so lucky for the girls that they have you as a bonus mom
You will show them what strong and kind females are like and hopefully they will grow to be just like you 
Hugs!
Such a challenging situation to be in! But you’re a strong, brave, and inspirational woman and *nothing* can put you down and/or change that! I’ll be sending you many many positive vibes everyday! xoxoxo
Big, big hugs. I really hope things eventually get better, somehow.
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I’m glad you were finally able to write about this. I know how much of your life it has occupied and what it means to you to be able to share this anxiety. I hope that by continuing to write things down and seek out new legal help that you can find someone who can make a difference in the situation. The girls are obviously better off in your care than their mother’s.
Anyone who has that much energy to strike out against the person they left clearly is not spending it on the two (and soon to be three) children they have. There’s just not enough energy to do all of that at once.
Thanks for being honest and putting it out there. I think that you are very brave to be in this situation and to not fall into the trap of becoming one of the bad guys. You are doing the right thing, being the good guy, not falling into this woman’s trap. I don’t have any experience in this kind of thing, but my friend did. Her fiancee’s ex wouldn’t even get out of the car when they did the child swap. She was backstabbing and talked bad about my friend, who she didn’t even know. My friend tried to be open with the ex and to try to be “friends” with her to make it easier, but the lady was not into it at all.
Keep doing what you are doing and try not to let her get you down!
I’m so sorry, Nora. I know one thing: those girls are lucky to have you both.
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(((()))) I deal with some of the 5-10 percent in my role as an educator. It reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaally angers me sometimes. I can figure things out on my own (who tries to make it work, who is vindictive, who is deadbeat, etc..) and when I have to referee arguments over wintercoats and backpacks between ADULTS, I get angry. FFS. GROW UPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP. Sorry, for venting on your vent. I feel you.
What a frustrating situation to be in. I’m glad you wrote about it and shared it and writing it all out was a very brave thing to do. I think you and Knight are amazing parents and I’m happy that at the least those two little girls have the two of you. That’s a wonderful thing.
I’m so sorry to hear that you’re having to go through and can’t even imagine having to go through it myself. It just sucks that such a negative situation is going to have such a major impact on everyone involved, and I hope you can all find a way to make it work.
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